Ways to Survive Living with an Alcoholic
I am Philip Muls a recovered alcoholic. I am here to tell families there are ways to survive while living with an alcoholic and there is hope for recovery. I know how destructive alcohol can be to a family. It dulls the senses making you feel as if you don’t care about what is going on around you. That hurts your loved ones. My book, Mind on Fire is an authentic account of my life and pathway to discovery. Being able to pen my trauma was healing in incredible ways. I took my life back and pray that you would do the same.
When I was still drinking, I became gradually more indifferent. I did not care anymore. I remember saying ‘Whatever’ all the time and that made my wife and my son and daughter very angry because they could not depend on me to care about everything that should matter to a family.
Also, everything that went wrong, like my daughters’ anorexia and my son’s problems in school. I buried those problems with my drinking. A normal, sober dad would have taken these problems in stride and stood his ground.
But me, I could no longer be depended upon, the strong backbone I had in my younger days was gone. The alcohol did that. I am blessed because I am stronger than ever now, 5 years sober. If anything, this long episode has made me realize exactly who I am and why I am here. The family is a big part of that and I am thankful that they stood by me.
When a family is under the onslaught of addiction there are some things that they can do to help with the process until their loved one can get help. The most important thing is not to enable. Too often, because of their love for and empathy with the addict, they will be unable to be objective and firm.
This was also the case with me. I told my wife and children in all openness that I was just unable to stop drinking. They saw my pain and frustration, and for the longest time accepted my inability to quit. But them accepting that I could not stop, in my warped logic meant that I was right. Stopping was just too hard. That can become an endless loop. But, as I describe in Mind on Fire, my wife stood up and said no more just when I had reached rock bottom. Since I knew I was going to lose her and the kids, it gave me the strength to quit. In the book, I am saying that she gave me a small miracle, and that is what it was.
Addiction not only impacts the family, but those outside of the family, too. For a time there, just before I finally stopped drinking, we lost all contact with our friends. I was no longer open to see anyone because I did not feel up to it. I was ashamed and usually in no condition to be social with other people. It was a terrible time for my wife, as she was isolated in her own home, living with an addict.
Alcoholism a Slow Death
While most are focusing on the surface problems of addiction, they do not realize that alcoholics are slowly killing themselves. But if they stop drinking, they have a good chance of mental and physical recovery. All the time when I was drinking, I was extremely worried about my health, but that did not stop me. I went to the family doctor every couple of months to take a blood test. That clearly showed that my liver function was deteriorating but never to the point that I had to face up to imminent organ failure. It never was ‘bad enough’ to force me to quit. I kept gaining weight because of the high calorie intake from all the beer and wine. I hated myself and all my self-esteem evaporated.
In my first 6 months of sobriety, I lost 40 pounds, just by eating a normal diet and starting to take up some sports again. My blood pressure went back to normal levels and my liver function rose from 50% to almost full normal operation. I have been very lucky because many addicts keep drinking or only stop when things are irreversible. Not so with me. I can say I have regained my full health.
I hope that I have painted a clear picture of how detrimental the condition of alcoholism is. Now I would like to share some pathways for survival for the family and recovery for the addict. I believe that one of the best things that a family can do is to get their loved one into therapy.
Alcohol addiction is a disease of the mind. It is not a choice. It is impossible to quit and recover on your own without therapy and medical assistance. It can even be very dangerous to stop drinking abruptly as the effects of withdrawal might kill you. I describe this in the chapter Rock-Bottom. It is extremely scary when you feel that you have zero options. Drinking means killing yourself slowly and stopping feels like a sure suicide as the body and mind both react vehemently to alcohol withdrawal.
Hope for the Alcoholic
I believe it is best to have yourself committed voluntarily to a rehab facility to ease off the stuff under medical supervision. After 6 to 8 weeks, you can gradually re-integrate into society but it is key in the first few months to see a therapist a couple of times a week. If you overestimate your own ability to stay abstinent when you get out of rehab, that can be a real pitfall. I describe this also in Mind on Fire as I relapsed a couple of times on the first day when I got released from detox.
Another thing that I would stress is having a psychiatrist involved. A psychiatrist will be able to medicate to help get you through withdrawal and also to support finding equanimity, the peace of mind that is so very necessary to stay sober.
When the recovery process starts it is not going to be easy. It would be wise for the family to get prepared for what lies ahead, while keeping the successful goal of sobriety in mind.
The first 6 to 18 months are very difficult for the recovering addict, but also for the family. I speak from experience here. That first period is just very painful because every activity feels strange and unnatural without alcohol that has been the social lubricant for so many years. I describe this in the chapter Re-Entry in the part where Peter goes with his wife Laura to Tuscany. It really feels like life is simply impossible without alcohol.
After my last rehab I found that one on one counseling worked better for me than an recovery group, though recovery groups are important. I was very lucky because I had found a therapist – Myriam Bruyninckx – who herself had been an addict previously and had been sober for 10 years when I met her.
I could feel she was speaking from experience, she had done the impossible and so I could fully trust her. She has helped me tremendously over the 5 years since my last drink. I was very happy when she agreed to a quote on the back cover of Mind on Fire. I still see her regularly.
I would like to encourage families that there is a pathway for survival and recovery for you. Do not stop until you get it. Taking back your life is one of the greatest blessing available in life.
Philip Muls the author of Mind on Fire is a senior business executive in a global corporation, who has been traveling on the job through Asia for the last twenty-plus years. He holds an MBA from Leuven University and has been granted various sales and management awards in the software industry. After quitting alcohol in his mid-forties, Philip started to research and experiment with a variety of recovery treatments on the level of mind and body and also on the level of his deeper self. This book blends his amazing travel stories with an authentic account of how alcohol affects the brain and how recovery from addiction can be like navigating a minefield of existential fears and obsolete beliefs. When he is not off traveling in China or India, Philip lives with his wife Natja and his two children Monika and Alexander in Grimbergen, Belgium. You can find Mind on Fire on Amazon.com or anywhere books are sold. You many also contact Philip Muls at www.philipmulsauthor.com